Have you been showing up every day at your job, doing your best, only to get the sense that you aren’t good enough? You aren’t getting noticed by your management or you get overlooked for projects you’d love. You doubt yourself, because when you ask, you’re told you’re doing fine, or to just keep doing what you’re doing. Everyday, it slowly chips away at your self-confidence. When you talk to friends and family about it, they encourage you to find another job…but you stick around waiting for the situation to change.
If you find yourself asking “why am I not good enough?” in your job, here’s three negative beliefs that might be affecting you and how to get rid of them.
“It’s too scary to start over at a new place. What if it’s worse?”
The negative belief makes you think that new experiences are automatically too scary or too risky. Perhaps in your past, you had a significant experience around trying something new that didn’t work.
Maybe your family moved a lot, and it was challenging for you to make friends. Or one of your parents struggled with change, and you picked up on their attitudes. There are a variety of things which can plant a seed of fear in us of taking changes, or not being sure of outcomes before we take action.
How to get past it?
Think about a time where you made a change and were excited about it. What happened? Why was it exciting, and what did you do to prepare? Chances are, you’ve made small decisions to change things in your life which didn’t trigger this reaction. Define what happened in those situations and think about how you can apply those qualities to making a change
“Maybe it’s me. Other people seem happy.”
This negative belief makes you think that you can’t trust your instincts or needs. Maybe you grew up in an environment where you were told to “be seen and not heard”—you learned to be a “good girl” and not bring up when things were bothering you. Perhaps you were told “you shouldn’t worry about that” or that you were selfish when you expressed things that you wanted.
Women’s hormones make them prone to please. Historically, pleasing someone, especially men, meant being chosen and survival. We don’t need to count on men to survive today, but those instincts just don’t go away! We learn at an early age that we should ignore things we want to make sure we get what we need.
How to get past it?
Set aside time to think about what you really want. Make a dream list of things you’d love to do or write down some opinions you have about current topics. Read your list a couple times and sit with it. Take the time to get in touch with what you think and what you need to be happy. You deserve those things, and the first step is getting comfortable expressing what you need without apology.
“I’m just not trying hard enough.”
This negative belief makes you think you aren’t good enough, just as you are, and that you need to earn love, respect, or being liked. Maybe you were always trying to get your dad’s attention, but you couldn’t figure out how. Perhaps you got on the outs with the popular girl at school, and you tried and tried to get back in, to no avail. Or you wondered why the boys you had crushes on didn’t seem to know you were alive, so you put yourself out there even more.
It’s easy to get into the trap of trying harder to control outcomes. However, this rarely works…and tends to leave you exhausted, frustrated, and less confident than before. We forget that who we are is inherently lovable; we are smart, we are loving, we are a great friend, and we take care of those around us. Instead of being the one who others react to, we find ourselves reacting to others and changing ourselves to fit their approval when all we really must do is be our authentic selves.
How to get past it?
Talk to friends and family and ask them “what are my best qualities?” It may feel awkward, but why not ask the people who love you the most what they love about you? You don’t see yourself the way you are seen by others, and the people who love you love you for many reasons. Bask in it! Let them shower you with all the wonderful things about you!
After you do that, think about if a friend came to you with the same situation you are in. Write down the situation. Fully describe those feelings, and then respond with what you would do. Really get into this and be as loving and kind as you would be to that friend. Then step away from it for an hour or two and come back. Reread what you wrote, but for yourself. And then do that.
Remember, you deserve all the same kindness you’d give to a friend.
Hopefully, these tips help you when you are feeling like you’re just not good enough. It may take some time but tackling these negative beliefs could be just what you need to get unstuck and into a job which values you for how great you really are!
